A Word for Those Who Need It: Holiday Version

In the next few days, many of us will gather with extended family to celebrate the holidays. For some, this will be a joyous occasion filled with laughter, stories, good food and the chance to relax with people they love.

Others will spend quality time with relatives who insist on indulging in a favorite addiction, sharing polarizing political views, or displaying gross disrespect at high volume. Since choking the living daylights out of these people will likely displease the host who compelled you to attend the annual installment of the family drama, here are some ways to make it from hors d’oeuvres to dessert without police intervention:

1. All adult relationships are voluntary. No matter how much your family pleads with you to attend the festivities, you can choose to stay away. You can also choose to manage your attendance by reducing the time you are there, staying in a hotel room if it requires an overnight, or taking a walk with a relative whose company you cherish.
2. You don’t have to attend every argument to which you are invited. When someone tries to goad you by expressing opinions with which you disagree, you don’t have to respond. Walk away, change the subject, have a bathroom emergency, or simply say, “I’m not going to talk about that today.”
3. Watch out for HATS. That applies to both you and your relatives. HATS, an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Tired or Sick, describes the times when it is not a good idea to engage in any important communication. When you are “HATS,” you should not talk about your in-laws with your spouse, discuss work challenges with your supervisor, negotiate with roommates about chores, or try to register your vehicle. You should definitely not show up that way to holiday gatherings with extended family. If HATS is an issue for an otherwise pleasant family member, bring them a plate of food, an aspirin or suggest a nap. That might be all they need.
4. The shortest distance between despair and hope is often a good night’s sleep. To follow on the HATS issue, make sure you are well rested before you attend.
5. To forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to realize you were the prisoner. This doesn’t mean you must condone or minimize bad behavior. It also doesn’t mean you must reestablish a relationship with the person who hurt you. To forgive is to release yourself, not the perpetrator, from the harm done to you. Forgiveness may also be described as “giving up all hope of a better past.” That might sound silly—who hopes for a better past? But how often do we recount the same old hurts, as if one day the ending will somehow come out better? To forgive is to let that story go, and allow new stories to blossom in its place.
6. If you are grieving and someone says something like “God needed another angel,” or “She’s in a better place,” or “God never gives you more than you can handle,” here is the translation: “I’m clueless and uncomfortable about what to say, but I care and I’m sorry.”
7. Hurt people, hurt people. If you think back on your last few family gatherings and realize you were the one who created the tension, this might be the year to be a no show. It’s better to miss an event than to make everyone else wish you had. Then spend the time before the next gathering taking care of yourself. Go to therapy or rehab. Apologize. Learn to let others have an opinion you don’t feel the need to refute. Take meds if necessary. You don’t get extra points in life by toughing it out and making yourself and everyone around you miserable. You deserve a better life and so does your family.

This year, may you not only survive the family gathering, may you seek and find the hidden joys in the midst of it.

Friends are God’s apology for relatives

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